


satyriasis - {l.mh x i.ck}

by smoshyphantrash



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Bullying, F/M, High School, Hypersexuality, M/M, Middle School, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Sex, Sex Addiction, Sexual Abuse, Smut, Step-Sibling Incest, Step-parents, Step-siblings, Underage Sex, post-coital dysphoria
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:14:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28045245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoshyphantrash/pseuds/smoshyphantrash
Summary: sa-ty-ri-a-sis/ˌsadəˈrīəsəs,ˌsādəˈrīəsəs/n. uncontrollable or excessive sexual desire in menIn which Minhyuk is a sex addict and Changkyun doesn't take anything at face value.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk, Im Changkyun | I.M & Lee Minhyuk, Lee Jooheon/Lee Minhyuk, Lee Minhyuk (Monsta X)/Everyone, Lee Minhyuk/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Lee Minhyuk/Yoo Kihyun
Kudos: 29





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> This story visits triggering material such as child abuse, sexual abuse, bullying, and sex addiction/hypersexuality.
> 
> Viewer discretion advised.
> 
> I really cannot believe that we live in a time where this has to be written about. The amount of people who don’t believe and proceed to slut shame victims of sexual abuse because they don’t understand that the effect of sexual abuse can manifest as hypersexuality and promiscuity is shameful. 
> 
> This story is not strictly to entertain, nor is it written as a certified information section. Furthermore, if you feel triggered by this reading and the tags that exist for your protection, please exit this work and do not read any further.

This relationship started the same way all of Changkyun's relationships started. One night in a bar, leading back to someone's apartment. He and Minhyuk hit it off so well that Minhyuk refused to leave without Changkyun promising him a date. There was nothing wrong with an innocent date, Changkyun thought. Besides, Changkyun went to school with this guy. He shouldn't be too bad of a partner, he thought.

They've only been dating for a couple of months now, and everything is still in the honeymoon phase. Minhyuk is by far the greatest partner Changkyun's had. He had Shownu, who was too unavailable emotionally to him and indifferent about whether he had Changkyun's company or not. He was a great screw though, Changkyun would give him that. There was Jooheon who was his absolute best friend until Jooheon admitted that's all they really were in the end. We could never forget Kihyun, whose temper scared Changkyun away. He was someone who loved nighttime rides and that won Kyun's heart. Minhyuk was the best of all of them. His best friend, fun-loving, nighttime rider, and an amazing lover in bed. He was really falling for this one. Even though he stayed friends with all his exes, he couldn't find this company from anyone else.

At this point, they've been on eight dates. One date every weekend. Changkyun had the weekends off, he worked as a human resource administrator. "Babe, I can't do a sit-down dinner this week. Think we can order take out and just chill at my house?" Of course, that would be okay. Why he had to ask, Changkyun didn't know. He was very easy going. It didn't matter to him where they went. All he wanted was to spend time with him.

•~•~•~•~•

Minhyuk was in between jobs. He was fired from his last one, he had too many no call, no shows. Keeping a job was difficult for him. He admired Changkyun's dedication to his job and really wanted to find something he loved that much to want to keep it. Unbeknownst to Changkyun, this was a pattern of Minhyuk's. He would be fired from a job and blow his last two paychecks on dates. Changkyun is the only one who’s stayed though and Minhyuk adored that. That alone made Minhyuk want to do better for Changkyun.

He was anxious. Every time he dates someone, he holds off going all the way as much as possible. In the last relationship he had; they went to the drugstore to get migraine medicine. When they came back, they walked in on Minhyuk half undressed in his living room. His moans were audible and needless to say, his date was honestly disgusted. "I have a migraine and all you could think about was getting in my pants? Did you hate to see me go but love to watch me walk away?" That last girl, he felt awful for. He probably made her feel like just an object. Even when he was beyond embarrassed, stressed, and depressed about how the events unfolded, his hand never left his member. You'd think he'd get off on that level of embarrassment. But no, Minhyuk hated it. Aren't orgasms supposed to be great? Why'd they left him crying?

Minhyuk wanted everything to be perfect. Just a cute dinner, watching a movie on his couch. Maybe even falling asleep together. He didn't want anything to do with sex. Changkyun would be by in about half an hour and Minhyuk was panicking. He didn't want anything to do with sex and yet all he was thinking about was how good Changkyun's ass looked in this one pair of jeans he wore last weekend. Or how beautiful he looked that first night they met (and slept together). Just the thought of the last good orgasm he had piqued his sexual appetite. "Fuck, not now!" Minhyuk sighed, sprawled out across his bed.

Every fiber of his being didn't want to jack off— especially not 20 minutes out from his date. But then again, he had 20 minutes. He sighed softly, reaching down to unbuckle his belt, and opening his button and zipper on his jeans, freeing his dick from the denim prison he was confined in. His heart skipped a beat once the air hit him, already moaning out. He didn't have time to edge himself, he just needed to get off in five minutes or less.

Believe it or not, this was a hassle for Minhyuk. If anyone were to walk in right now, they would leave him be and allow him to finish. That's not what he wants. He wants someone to stop him. When he masturbates, he knows this is the definition of being so wrong but feeling so right. "Shit..." he whimpers, checking his watch. Seeing as he has about ten minutes before Changkyun gets here, Minhyuk starts pumping his cock faster, desperately trying to get to his release. Despite being in a rush, he didn't forget the lube. He makes sure to glide over his tip with every move. He's not forgetting anything, why isn't he getting anywhere?

"Relax, Min," he sighed, sinking into the mattress. "Relax, and it'll come." Minhyuk was far too stressed to orgasm. Once he relaxed, it didn't take much for the wave to crash into him. Five minutes left, he looked at himself in the mirror. He was a mess. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He grabbed a towel and wiped his stomach off. "I need a new outfit," he sighed quickly going to his closet. A grey shirt and black sweats. It'll have to be good enough. What if Changkyun can tell? What if he notices how flushed Minhyuk is? What if he comes into his room and smells the sex in the air?

He didn't have any time to begin to worry about that before there was a knock on his door. He sighed, making his way to the living room to answer the door. "Hi baby," Changkyun smiled, greeting Minhyuk with a soft kiss. "What are you in the mood for?" He asked.

Changkyun. He was in the mood for his boyfriend. "Uhm, I'm always down for pizza. It's my favorite. I ordered for later."

Changkyun smiled, jumping up and down slightly. "I love pizza. I'm excited!" Minhyuk smiled. Seeing him so excited helped to bring his sex drive down. "Can I pick the movie to watch?" He asked. Of course, he could. Minhyuk handed him the remote, heading to the kitchen to get something for them to drink.

Later on, halfway through pizza and Fifty Shades of Grey, Changkyun made a move. So much for Minhyuk's sex free evening. "What's up with you?" Minhyuk asked, staring at the man straddling him on the couch.

"My dick," Changkyun chuckled, kissing down Minhyuk's neck. "Something about you being so dressed down today is just turning me on." Minhyuk moaned softly, his hands landing on Changkyun's perfect ass. Fuck it, Minhyuk thought.

In an instant, Changkyun was under Minhyuk and his control. "Don't you have work tomorrow?" Minhyuk asked. Changkyun nodded, giggling softly. "Fuck, I wanna mark you up."

Changkyun shrugged, his hands combing through Minhyuk's hair. "Who said you couldn't?" He asked. That was one of the sexiest things Minhyuk had become obsessed with. Just imagining Changkyun trying to hide the hickeys he left behind in an attempt to remain professional? The image sent chills down his spine.

"Well," Minhyuk started, starting by Changkyun's jaw. "Can I?" He nodded, making his neck available to Minhyuk's mouth.

One thing led to another and within an hour, the pair were panting and sweating in Minhyuk's bed. "Goddamn," Changkyun mumbled, cuddling up to Minhyuk. "Was it this good the first time around?" He asked.

But Minhyuk couldn't feel that bliss. In fact, he almost couldn't feel anything. "I don't think so," Minhyuk said softly, kissing Changkyun's cheek. He didn't want to admit how bad he felt. He didn't want to cry like he sometimes did. He got what he wanted, late-night cuddles to sleep. He tried to focus on that more than the fact that he had what might've been the most depressing sex of his life, despite having one of the best orgasms of his life... and Minhyuk's had his fair share of orgasms.

Luckily for him, Changkyun was too blissed out and none the wiser to his boyfriend's mood change. He was just happy and content to fall asleep with him. Minhyuk didn't want this to happen tonight, but he wasn't understanding why he felt this awful? He just really cared about Changkyun and the anxiety of him knowing the truth about him hurt. Once he knew, Changkyun was sure to leave. That's how it always is.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> Panic attacks  
> Mentions and descriptions of r*pe

Minhyuk couldn't sleep. He was way too stressed out. He didn't want to sleep with Changkyun, not as far as consent wise goes. But he just didn't want sex to start creeping into his relationships like they always do. He wanted to be honest, he wanted to hold conversations, he wanted it to be real for once. Changkyun was cuddled up to him and he couldn't easily slip away which sent him into a mini panic attack. He didn't want to wake him up but he didn't want to freak out by himself.

When Minhyuk's breath started shuddering, even though he was trying his best to steady it, Changkyun stirred for a few seconds before waking up. "Hey," Changkyun cooed softly, rubbing his hand over Minhyuk's chest in an attempt to calm him down. He glanced at the clock over Minhyuk's shoulder. It was almost four in the morning. "Have you gone to sleep?" He asked. If his answer was no, that would mean that Minhyuk had been up for almost five hours since Changkyun fell asleep.

"No," Minhyuk sniffled, wiping his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up." He didn't mean to, but he was still glad Changkyun woke up anyway. "Sorry, I'm just... I'm anxious about this job interview I have coming up." That wasn't it at all. Minhyuk excelled at interviews and onboarding processes. He could always get a job. Keeping a job was a different story. But that still wasn't the cause of his anxiety.

Changkyun reached behind him to turn on the lamp on the nightstand. "Talk to me," he said. One thing about Changkyun is that he was an open book and he could always get someone to tell him everything by being that honest person.

Minhyuk shook his head. "I'm okay," he smiled. He leaned in to give Changkyun a sweet little kiss. "I just got overwhelmed."

That didn't sit well with his boyfriend. "So overwhelmed that you have yet to go to sleep? When did your anxiety start?" He asked. "And if I'm going too far, you can always tell me." Damn this boy. He made it way too easy for Minhyuk to want to dish out his deepest, darkest secrets.

It's time to let you in on a part of Minhyuk's story. He wasn't always like this. In fact, sex used to disgust him. It changed when he met Hyungwon. At the time, everything had really changed for the better. But as time's gone on, this part of him became a crutch and a dagger all at once. 

Minhyuk and Hyungwon dated for four years. Both souls were broken beyond repair. But they had each other and that's all they needed. When they first started dating, for the first year, there was absolutely no sex. Minhyuk and Hyungwon both despised sex and wished the phenomenon of sexual intercourse would die out. But their relationship was dwindling fast. They would start their days out waking up next to each other and never speaking. Hyungwon moved to the couch before Minhyuk could blink.

Counseling, that helped everything right? They were only 21 and 22 years old, respectively. But the one thing they knew is that they loved each other and never wanted to let each other go. So going to relationship counseling even as boyfriends was something they both wanted. 

When their counselor suggested sex, without asking the two of them anything about sexual histories, Hyungwon called bullshit on counseling and walked out on their first appointment. Yes, Minhyuk detested sex, but he would've done it if he could save his relationship. So for Hyungwon to walk out like that, it both stabbed Minhyuk in the heart and concerned him.

It took another month to convince Hyungwon to go back to counseling. But this time, they saw two separate counselors. One for mental health reasons and one for their relationship. Minhyuk didn't think he needed the mental health help, that therapy session was specifically for Hyungwon.

It was September 19th when Minhyuk learned that the love of his life had been sexually abused in the past. September 19th was the day Minhyuk couldn't even look at Hyungwon because all he saw was red. He held contempt for whoever hurt his love like that and looking at Hyungwon's cry all day exasperated the anger he had. On September 19th, Hyungwon begged Minhyuk to talk to him after therapy. "You can't hear something like that and shut me out, Min! Do you know what I feel right now? I'm scared you're gonna walk out on me. You're so pure, kind, you're goddamn perfect. You shouldn't be with someone like me, but I'm fucking scared and you can't not talk to me!"

Minhyuk's demeanor softened greatly when he heard all of Hyungwon's fears come out into the open. "Baby, I'm not leaving you! Come here..." Minhyuk held Hyungwon close while he cried. "I would never leave you for that. And I promise you, I swear to you, I am nowhere near pure and perfect." Hyungwon's bravery spoke volumes to Minhyuk. It gave him strength he never knew he had.

"You're perfect, Min. You're pure and perfect. I get raped on the roof of my high school and no one bats an eyelash." Hyungwon's heart was raw and out in the open at this point. I walked my school hallways and heard everyone laugh about the guy who gave it up on the roof. When I didn't give up anything except my will to fucking live." Hyungwon whimpered as he recounted the trauma. "And then later at a party, I was raped again and no one believed me either time. Because I'm bisexual, having a guy take me on the roof was a dream come true, and having a girl ride me in front of another two people also having sex should've been mind-blowing and amazing. I'm bisexual and when I've been raped, that's the only time it matters. Every other time, it's invalid and I have to choose, bisexuality doesn't exist. This shit doesn't happen to pure and perfect people."

It was the third time that really broke something inside of Minhyuk. "Don't fucking call me pure and perfect, for fuck's sake!" He snapped, tears springing to his eyes. "You're right, that shit doesn't happen to pure and perfect people, but I'm not pure and perfect so I'm not fucking protected either!" Hyungwon's crying stalled when he realized he was assuming that his boyfriend had never been sexually abused in his life. "No," Minhyuk stopped Hyungwon before he began. "I'm not talking about it. At all. This conversation's dead." Minhyuk locked himself in his room and sat against the door, bawling his eyes out. He felt bad for leaving Hyungwon vulnerable, but he felt like shit for himself and needed to deal with that first.

After both of them came to terms with the abuse they suffered in their lives, they tried their relationship counseling again. And again, their counselor told them that they should have sex. "Okay, are you on crack, or are you just not listening to us?" Hyungwon asked. "We don't want to have sex. We literally just gave the rundown of why we think sex is fucking disgusting."

Their counselor nodded and gave it one more shot. "But sex is not what you guys experienced. Yes, it was sexual in nature, but you've never experienced sex. Sex is safe, sane, and consensual. You haven't had sex, you've been hurt. And sometimes, victims of the abuse you two have endured will use consensual sexual intercourse as a coping mechanism as well. I wouldn't recommend this if I had any doubt in my mind about the level of trust you two share." Minhyuk and Hyungwon stared blankly at this woman like she was fucking insane. As far as they were concerned, they wanted nothing to do with sexually driven things.

Minhyuk sighed softly. "If we were to have sex, how would this help us? How would we use it to move forward from our pasts?" He just wanted all the information.

"The idea behind having sex to move forward is to first of all show you what a healthy sexual relationship is. Where you have conversations, where you have full control over the sexual events, where you get to say yes or no and have both of those words heard, listened to, and respected. People find that it gives control back to them, control over their bodies and minds. Even with something simple, like washing dishes, we don't like being told or forced to do anything. We would prefer to be asked or want to do these things autonomously." Minhyuk asked as understanding and truly considering this option by now. "The other part of it is that sex is intimate and will bring you two closer. And with the added healing element, it could strengthen you beyond belief. So just consider it. Again, if I thought this would hurt you two in any way, I would not suggest it, let alone condone it." There was so much on their plate, it was unbelievable. That night, they just went to sleep on all the information they'd received. Minhyuk would do anything to help their relationship and keep Hyungwon around. 

Another month passed before the topic ever came back up. "I've been doing research," Hyungwon spoke up during the movie they were watching. Minhyuk paused the playback and devoted his attention to Hyungwon. "About sex as a coping mechanism... and I have been thinking about it."

Minhyuk nodded. "I have too. I've read a lot of stories about how victims have used sex to help them. Knowing you, you probably read all the scholarly articles." Hyungwon nodded, blushing softly. "A lot of things I've read talked about roleplay. Setting up a scenario to get out of their heads. Thinking about it makes it harder to do. Some people choose a non-con scenario, but I've yet to figure out how I would feel about that. I see why some people play out the fantasy because they're still in control of the encounter. But I'm not there yet." This conversation was nerve-wracking, to say the least.

"I agree," Hyungwon sighed. "I would rather... I'd rather have a virginity roleplay happen. We've never given away our virginity. It was taken from us. This would be a good way to experience what everyone else who chooses to have sex would feel." But it wasn't as simple as that. "I still need time. I'd want to have conversations like these, discuss every single decision. And if we do go ahead with having sex, I want questions every time something changes. If you kiss me and you want to move down my neck, I want you to ask. If I want to take your shirt off, I will ask. I don't want any assumptions. The moment you assume I want your hands on my hips, I swear I'll scream." That was fair, Minhyuk thought. And he's considered those factors already as well.

What came after that? "Safeword," Minhyuk piped up. "We need a safe word... you already know I hate cucumbers." That earned a laugh from Hyungwon. "But what do you think? Violet, cheat, peach?"

Hyungwon nodded, "I like violet. It's a letter off from violent. And that's not what we want... no BDSM yet." He smiled softly before kissing Minhyuk. "Thank you for being so patient with me." Minhyuk wouldn't have it any other way.

When Minhyuk and Hyungwon finally got to having sex for the first time, it didn't go to plan. In fact, they never got to having sex. This time, it wasn't Hyungwon who stalled the progress. It was Minhyuk. He started crying, starting to scare himself. What if Hyungwon starts fucking him and it feels so good that Hyungwon won't want to stop? What if Hyungwon just ignores him regardless of how it feels? What if Hyungwon takes the control back over his own body and decides to take over Minhyuk's control too? He trusted Hyungwon with his life, but he wasn't ready to trust what his body would tell him.

On the second attempt, Hyungwon froze up. Minhyuk was still scared, but not as much. He could take his time to calm himself before working himself into a panic over it. But Hyungwon didn't want to be too much for Minhyuk too soon.

The third attempt however was the money shot. They'd come upon another anniversary of theirs, a year and six months. They'd gone to dinner and with a little wine in their systems, they were virtually fearless. They had to have each other and nothing would stop them this time. There was no more thinking about sex, just having sex. Minhyuk was high on the feeling of Hyungwon hitting his spot carefully, perfectly, and gently to begin. He never wanted Hyungwon to leave where he was either. Hyungwon was blown away by how good sex could feel when it's wanted and when it's with someone you loved. He was feeling everything all at once.

While this was the pinnacle turning point of their relationship, things were on the rise until Minhyuk became addicted to the feeling Hyungwon gave him. He wanted sex way too much for it to be considered normal. Not for two people still recovering from the trauma of years past. Eventually, Hyungwon walked away. Sex was a good feeling to the both of them now, but still not good enough to do it as often as Minhyuk wanted. That was almost every single day. Minhyuk thought it was just the love he had for Hyungwon coming around. But when the sexual urge grew more and more without Hyungwon there, he tried his hardest to stop it.

But now he's here, having a panic attack because he failed to stop having sex once again and he can't tell all of this to Changkyun. He knew that in Changkyun's eyes, he was pure and perfect. He couldn't dismantle that image already, they hadn't even been dating for six months yet. "I'm sorry, Kyunnie. But you're going too far. I'm fine, I'm just overwhelmed. It's this interview." Changkyun nodded, feeling helpless. Minhyuk felt even worse now that he'd just pushed his boyfriend away for just trying to help. He was embarrassed and couldn't stand the look on Changkyun's face. "Maybe you should go, babe."

Confusion was written all over Changkyun's face. "I mean... if that's what you'd like?" He sighed a bit.

"I would. I'd like that." Minhyuk trusted Changkyun, but he hadn't been back to the same level of trust that he'd had with Hyungwon with anyone. And he just wanted to be alone.

After Changkyun got his things together to go home, Minhyuk found himself alone in his bed again. "Fucking idiot," he cursed himself, wiping his tears. "Why are you like this?" His hand met up with his cock once again, marking the fourth time he'd done anything sexual within 24 hours. He probably needed help, but all he could focus on at the moment was cumming and getting to sleep.


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Descriptions of alcohol abuse and sexual abuse.

As soon as Changkyun went to his car, he knew he wouldn't be going home. He just sat in his car for a few minutes before deciding he needed to get back upstairs to Minhyuk's apartment. He never ran from trouble, so why he was running now? It didn't make sense. His boyfriend needed him, even if his boyfriend decided that he didn't need him at the time.

Changkyun was a feisty kid. He had no choice but to be feisty. He was in and out of foster care all throughout his life until his father died. At that point, his last foster family adopted him. His father could never step away from the substances long enough to keep him for more than four months at a time. He didn't feel much when he dad died, considering he never taught him anything.

Changkyun had to teach himself to fight and persevere. He's never walked out on anyone or anything and he wasn't gonna start now. He got out of his car about fifteen minutes later and marched right back up to Minhyuk's apartment. There was a key under the mat that he helped himself to. As he opened the door, he heard Minhyuk's voice set to erotica. "Min?" He called out, heading in and shutting the door. The sounds coming from Minhyuk's room stopped instantaneously.

"I-I'll be right out!" He responded, clearly flustered and upset that Changkyun was there again. Why was Changkyun back? He didn't leave anything...

Minhyuk was taking his time to meet Changkyun in the living room, praying his erection would subside and go into remission for the night. He sighed softly once he came back down and put on his t-shirt and boxers, coming out of his room. "Sounds like you were having fun," Changkyun laughed softly.

It wasn't humorous, not to Minhyuk. "That's not funny," he sighed. He was trying to stop another panic attack from coming on.

"Sorry," Changkyun furrowed his eyebrows. "It's okay. Everyone masturbates."

Denial set in to Minhyuk's psyche. "Not me. I don't masturbate." He just... jacks off because he can't stop. Masturbating would involve pleasure. He didn't like this, he didn't like having to touch himself every single day, multiple times a day. He hated it all.

Changkyun sighed as his eyebrows knit in concern. "Min, baby are you okay? I mean... does this job interview really have you this upset? I can get you a job. You can work with me. Get interviewed tomorrow, go to work on Monday." That would be great... maybe being at a job with his love, maybe he'll be able to keep this one.

"Y-Yeah... that'd be great." His anxiety was lowering, but he still wanted to puke knowing Changkyun caught him and is acting like nothing even happened.

His boyfriend smiled softly. "Of course, we'll get you an interview." He held his hand before kissing it softly.

The breezing past the situation was killing Minhyuk. "I'm... I'm not this sex crazed person... and I uh... I hope you don't feel like I wanted you gone just to jack off or that the sex wasn't good." Changkyun knew something wasn't right, but not until Minhyuk's clamoring to explain himself.

"Masturbation isn't something to be ashamed of." What if the reason why he needs to get off is something to be ashamed of? 

Suddenly, Minhyuk lost his cool. "It's not masturbating if you don't fucking feel good about it!" He flung Changkyun's supportive hand off of him.

There was concern, the same concern Hyungwon shared for him when he almost outted himself years ago. "Minhyuk... what happened?" He asked softly.

"I'm not talking about it," Minhyuk started shaking. "I'm not talking about it, it's none of your business." 

Changkyun had a vivid imagination, so all he could think about were all the wrong things. Which were probably true. "Would you like me to talk about something bad that happened to me? Would it help you to talk?" He wasn't one to shy away from sharing his personal experience to get someone to talk and share something that had the potential to kill inside. Minhyuk wasn't responding and that was a 50/50 shot. "My dad was a drunk. He drunk so much he could never tell the time of day, the month, the year. Hell, I got myself in danger to get myself out of his care. They kept giving me back to him after a few steps in the right direction. He got abusive with me, there were plenty of accidents. I was in and out of foster care for years. My father died months after his last bout of addiction and I was adopted by my last foster family. But they weren’t a good fit for me and I had to get away. I left home for good and got emancipated. And yeah..." He didn't have much more to say.

That was indeed a sad story and a struggle Changkyun didn't have to go through. And he hated to think this way, but in his eyes, that was nowhere near the same level of hurt that Minhyuk was dealing with. But it got Changkyun the result he wanted. "Did... did he ever rape you, Changkyun? Did he ever beat you because you tried to stop him from touching you? Did he ever withhold food, water, social time with other family members until he got what he wanted? Did your foster siblings learn to abuse you in the same way? Did they take over while they watched you?" Changkyun went silent, shocked at how much he hadn't even considered any of those options. "Speechless, I'll take that as a no." He shook his head, not knowing how to comfort Minhyuk. "Then... shut the fuck up. And get the fuck out of here. I don't give a damn about your drink slinging daddy issues. I'd take that any fucking day over the shit I have now."

Changkyun really wanted to respect that. "I'm sorry but there's no way in hell that I'm leaving you like this. And you don't have to tell me everything, not yet. But all I'm hearing is that you were abused and now you're scared. So, go back to bed. I'll sleep here on the couch. I will call my job and get you an interview tomorrow." He kissed his boyfriend's forehead softly, telling him goodnight.

Minhyuk now felt awful. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to snap." Changkyun shook his head, assuring him that it was okay. He sighed, heading to his room. He was back to crying, feeling like shit that now Changkyun knows a bit of how fucked up he was.


	4. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk shares his story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Heavy talk about child sexual abuse, mental breakdowns, flashbacks. Please do not continue any further if you’re easily triggered by child abuse of any kind.

It was Minhyuk's first day of work and his anxiety was through the roof. "Good morning babe," Changkyun rolled over to kiss Minhyuk softly to wake him up.

The first thing Minhyuk did? He rolled over on top of his boyfriend and began to kiss him feverishly. "You know what that does to me," Minhyuk smiled, taking a break between kisses. Truth is, he was deflecting a problem he knew existed. 

He woke up anxious, long before Changkyun. And all he wanted was for him to wake up so they could have a quickie before getting ready for work. But, he couldn't just wake Changkyun to use him for his own selfish needs. He needed control if this was ever going to work. Control he couldn't gain.

Changkyun wasn't necessarily turned off by this advance, but he was worried. "You're really turned on? I usually get excited or anxious about a job."

Fuck, he was judging him. Minhyuk felt it. What normal person wanted to fuck instead of impress for the first day of work? He excused himself to the bathroom. First off, hyperventilation. Minhyuk mastered the art of hyperventilating and crying quietly from a young age. While he was silently losing his shit, no one noticed and no one would care to ask if they did. Flashbacks came next. Any time he felt he was being judged, he remembered what it felt like to have someone on top of him, judging the fact that he was turned on, despite every desperate plea for them to stop. 

The bathroom transformed into that small room he shared with his cousin. The shrinking of space around him tossed him back into the bottom bunk of his bed. "You sounded like you were having a nightmare, I came to protect you."

Minhyuk, looking in the mirror, glared at himself as the tears streamed down his face. "No... you didn't come to protect me," he whispered to himself. "You're the nightmare that came alive." As the bathroom closed in on him, he felt a large body press against him as he took steps into the wall behind him.

"Shh, let's not wake anyone up." He was trapped between the wall and this monster. "Do you want me to make you feel better?" No, he didn't. It never made him feel better, it make him feel worse. It gave him nightmares. It controlled him all his life.

A knock on the door broke him out of his flashback. "Babe, come talk to me please? I-I called in today. Said I woke up with food poisoning. You can say you thought your orientation was next week. Please just talk to me." Fucking Changkyun. Why was he so perfect and pure for someone like Minhyuk? Someone so imperfect and impure.

Minhyuk couldn't even pull himself together when he came out of the bathroom. "I don't feel good anyways," he said, pushing past his boyfriend and going to the kitchen. 

"Baby," Changkyun whined in concern. "What's wrong?" Everything. Everything was wrong. Everything about Minhyuk and his life was wrong.

Those two words gave Minhyuk another flashback. When he finally told someone about what was happening to him. That monster that kept him up most nights told him and everyone who listened that he was imagining things. That he never went bump in the night, never came to find Minhyuk no matter where he was. No one listened to him, and from that point on? Everything became violent.

Threatened. Beat. Choked. Even being used for training. He can't look his younger cousin in the face to this day. Because his cousin never said anything either. Never told anyone that he was also abusing Minhyuk, never spoke up and said that his older brother taught him how to treat Minhyuk. He will go the rest of his life never talking to any of his family members if no one would acknowledge that he was broken beyond repair at the hands of a horny, privileged, teenager.

Minhyuk regrets speaking up because nothing changed. If they had, he would've regretted not speaking up sooner. Regardless, he has and would always have much regret. He blames himself for how things turned aggressive. After he embarrassed himself by telling his aunt and uncle, his demon waited until his parents went on a dinner date and next thing he knew, he was being pushed against a wall and getting cussed out. "You little bitch, why'd you have to go and tell them? We could've kept this quiet and you would've gotten used to how nice I could be. But no, you had to make it difficult. Keep that shit up and everything in your life will be difficult. You deserve ever bit of anger I have for you." Minhyuk's back hurt so much he wanted to cry. But he was afraid that if he did cry, it'd make it worse. "Now, I have to wait for people to be gone. You couldn't have kept this easy. That's fuckin' pathetic."

Minhyuk, unaware that he was still flashing back, let out a scream that made Changkyun jump. "Please let me go." He clenched his eyes tightly hoping the figure would go away. "I didn't know how else to stop you!" When he opened his eyes, he took in Changkyun's concerned look on his face.

"Stop who, Minhyuk?" His boyfriend reached his hand out to him, hoping he'd take it and finally explain to him what was going on.

Truth is, no one had ever been closer to him than Hyungwon. This was something he couldn't talk to anyone about and when he lost Hyungwon, he lost everything. He lost every capability to trust and love another person. Changkyun wanting to hear him scared him to no end.

But Hyungwon told him something when they broke up. "I may be gone, but the love and compassion I have for you? You'll find it again. And you'll know. You'll know who is supposed to take your hand and walk your through the darkness. You'll feel like you're with me. It won't be me, and it'll be scary. But you'll know because you'll feel me. And you'll hear me tell you this. It won't come back when it's not necessary to you." And Hyungwon told him to take care and walked out the door.

It'll feel like him. It won't be him, but Minhyuk will feel him. And he'll hear this. "Can you listen to me and not take pity on me?" Minhyuk asked. "Can you hear me and not coddle me with a 'poor baby' and think I need to be handled like I'm fragile? I'm not glass, I won't break if you tip me over." 

Changkyun nodded, placing his hand on his own chest. "Cross my heart and hope to die." Minhyuk nodded and started walking to the couch.

Telling this story, he'd only told two people. Hyungwon and the therapist they saw. There was no easy way to tell anyone that his oldest cousin stole his innocence from him. Because it was such an unbelievable story, Minhyuk barely felt like he could believe it himself. But the effects were real and fucked his life up in every way he could think of. 

He took a breath as Changkyun came to sit next to him, sitting on one leg and leaning his right side against the back of the couch. "When I was a kid, my aunt and uncle took care of me. My parents were always doing dangerous jobs and couldn't have me in harms way. But frankly, I think I would've preferred being with them. If I was doomed to being in harms way, at least I'd know they wouldn't have been the ones to hurt me. That family wouldn't have hurt me." Minhyuk tried to keep from crying. "When I was 7, my older cousin started coming into the room I shared with his little brother. And he used to say he wanted to read me a bedtime story. As he started reading, he'd unbuckle his pants to get more comfortable. He smelled horribly of weed and beer, so he'd come in after a night out. Then he'd pull a 'Am I hurting your arm? Here let's move it.' And that would end up with my hand on his lap. Stories are drowned out at this point. He's got his hand on mine and slowly inching us closer to his dick. Somewhere toward the end, he's helping me get him off and he's somehow quiet. He doesn't even care he's got jizz all over his pants when he leaves. That's how this starts." 

He could tell the word that was coming from Changkyun before he even opened his mouth. "Starts?" He asks.

Minhyuk nods and continues. "I'm 7 and a half, and I start having nightmares. Because he did this for months. His room is in the basement. So he gets me up and takes me downstairs to stop my nightmares. He only adds fuel to the flames. We go from me touching him to me..." Minhyuk starts choking, involuntarily getting his point across. Changkyun dives over his end of the couch to grab a trash can, tossing it to Minhyuk before he soils the carpet. Talking about this physically makes him sick. "I don't think I have to explain that any more. But this goes on and continues for a few months. Sometimes in his bed, sometimes in mine. After that, he switches it up. I'm the one that gets it. And that's when I try to tell someone. I'm almost 8 and I tell my aunt and uncle what he's doing to me. And he tells me that we watched a movie and I caught a scene like it before he was able to skip past it. And that I'd been imagining it since we were close. They believe him. He starts getting violent with me. My younger cousin is now hitting puberty and that's when he starts using me in every way. That's when he has sex with me and uses me." The tears are incessant and Minhyuk can't stop the panicking. "He taught him, how to use me. Since my aunt and uncle were strict on dating, like a prison, he said... he said that he could do this to me whenever he wanted. Now I have two guys using me for their own pleasure. And it doesn't count because we're barely related. I was adopted, so it doesn't count. I get to being a teenager and that doesn't stop my cousins at all. My aunt died and now I'm in a house with only men. I'm 14 when my uncle finally catches something happening to me. The oldest one is behind me, hurting me, I can feel my skin tearing. The younger one is in front of me, I'm on a fucking skewer and my uncle finally sees them doing me, and what does he do?" Minhyuk looked at Changkyun. "He beats my ass. I'm in trouble for forcing them to do things like this. His brother adopted the devil and the devil has no place in his house. His late wife gave birth to the devil. But no, that's me." 

"Oh my God," Changkyun mumbled, his chest hurting.

Minhyuk sighed, wiping his tears. "I ask if I can stay with a friend, in a house with all girls. I turn 15 in my best friend's house that night. And for two years, her family didn't know anything about what happened to me. And her sister, she's a year younger than us. She tries to get me off when no one's home. I yell at her and asked her how she knows about this. I ask her if any one hurt her. Why she thinks it's okay to touch me without asking. But when she tells that story, she's the one who said it to me. I'm kicked out at 17, and at that point, there's nowhere else I can go. That's my first attempt. I almost miss graduation because I was recovering. I get to college and my roommates don't know who I am. But I finally try to get help. I go to a sexual abuse help group for men. And there I meet my ex. Hyungwon and I became friends because he was that kid in the back of all my classes that never did anything. I helped him study and we ended up passing every class we had. On graduation day, he and I kissed under the stars in the park. And we were inseparable. For a year after that, we never had sex. From 17 to 22, I never had sex. I didn’t ever get turned on. Then, Hyungwon and I start growing apart. We go to therapy and she suggested we have sex. It took us over six months to finally successfully have sex. And with him, I loved it. I wanted it every day. I wanted to replace every bad memory I had. But it was too much for two recovering victims. And he left me. Since I started having consensual sex, I haven’t stopped doing anything sexual. It’s been almost five years since I started having sex again. Almost 1,826 days of doing sexual things up to four times a day. That means that’s almost 9,130 sexual actions I’ve done in five years.” Minhyuk paused, needing to add humor. “I’m kind of a math whiz.” He laughed. “But the amount of jobs, friends, people I’ve lost because of this? It’s depressing. And when I get depressed, I jack off. When I get anxious, I get turned on. Sex takes over my mind and has always taken over my life. And I’m going to be fired from your job, because I’m gonna call out so much for being at home and getting off. Or I’m gonna hook up with someone in the bathroom. Or worse, fuck myself in the bathroom. I don’t want it in my life anymore and I swear it seems easier to just fucking die,” Minhyuk finishes, holding his head in his hands

Changkyun takes a deep breath and hold onto Minhyuk. “I know what you said baby, but you need this.” Minhyuk agreed, grabbing onto his boyfriend and crying until he gags again. 

Knowing this information didn’t change the love Changkyun had for him. He just knew he needed to help him get some help for this. Because maybe Minhyuk would never say it or admit it, but he was a sex addict. And it was completely detailing his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, if you feel triggered by this reading and the tags that exist for your protection, please exit this work and do not read any further.


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